МакСим "Ветром Стать" / MakSim "To become the wind" - Draft 1 translation

This is the second Russian song I attempted to translate. It is one of my recent favorites.

I did not care for this official video clip. And the video's translation was so-so.

My true-to-the-song translation:

When I die, I will become the Wind

And live on the roof of your home.

When you die, you will become the Sun

And you will rise above me, once again

Like an Autumn breeze, I will fly

With you wherever you go

You won't hear it when I whisper quietly

"My Sun, where are you?" 

Chorus:

But please don't be the Sun quiet yet, you hear me?

I will sing you my songs from your roof

I will become that what you breathe once again - 

All that is left is for me to become the Wind

I will wait just for your smiles

I will listen only to your CDs

I will blow snowflakes from your eyelashes -

All that is left is for me to become the Wind

When I die, I will become the Wind,

Falling on the ground with the snow,

I will laugh, flying next to you wherever you go

And I will be the happiest in this world

When you die, you will become the Sun

And you will melt my frosts,

And mimosas will blossom in the orchards,

And the icicles in my heart will turn to tears.

Draft 1 of my "Americanized" translation

Hey, when I die, I will become the Wind

And live right near you in a tree

And when you die, you will become the Sun

And, once again, you will rise above me.

Like Autumn wind, I will be always near

Fall at your feel, like morning dew

Can you hear? I whisper gently in your ear:

"My Sun, where are you? My Sun, where are you?"

Chorus:

But please, don't hurry yet to become my Sun

Listen, I will sings songs to you until dawn,

Fell, with the air you breath I will be one,

Now all that's left is to become the Wind.

From your eyelashes I will blow the snowflakes,

Dance to the sounds that your heart makes,

Carry your songs above the woods and lakes..

Now all that is left is to become the Wind.

Hey, when I die, I will become the Breeze,

And fall on the ground with the snow.

I will kiss your lips, your face with ease,

You will be my only joy, you know?

When you die, you will become the Sun

And melt my snows like my fears

And when first flowers spring on your lawn

The icicles in my heart will turn to tears.

Chorus:

But please, don't hurry yet to become my Sun

Listen, I will sings songs to you until dawn,

Fell, with the air you breath I will be one,

Now all that's left is to become the Wind.

From your eyelashes I will blow the snowflakes,

Dance to the sounds that your heart makes,

Carry your songs above the woods and lakes..

Now all that is left is to become the Wind.

 I will need to adjust the translation to fit the rhythm of the song better, but I will wait to do it once my throat is better and I can actually try to sing my translated version.